To my missing friend

Who suddenly vanished.

Here I lay, drowning under uncertainty. Where have you gone? How have you been? “keep searching” whispers my mind in the middle of the night “He might be out there” is unbearable, simply unbearable. My thoughts are labyrinths of tangled memories and doubt. I hear your voice in the dark calling for my help, but is it like that? It haunts me. My eyes get filled with tears but I never get to cry. 

Am drowning dear friend of mine, am drowning! The horizon of fresh air is ahead, I swim up desperately but each time I get dragged down into the darkness. Where? How? When? Dragging me down over and over again. I have no means to find answers and yet stop searching for you, admitting you’re gone for good is way more painful simply because “what if?”. What if you’re really crying for my help? What if you are lost in your own darkness too? What if you’re waiting for me to find you and I just give up? I can’t, I can’t let you on your own knowing that something horrible could have happened to you.

 Uncertainty has me numbed and I reach my hand to find you in the dark, I keep forgetting you’re no longer there. What if you’re still out there waiting for my help? What if you desperately need to be found? I just cannot let it go.  Each and every day I have to pick up pieces of me scattered on the floor, I lose a bit of myself each time. I crumble, impotent and enraged, but always silent; am already tired of yelling and yelling, calling your name to the infinite void. You’re were there, right there in front of me and then a blink and you were gone. Do you feel cold? Do you cry a lot? Do you feel lonely? Is it possible that you have decided to simply leave us and live a new life? I wish it was that you left to start all over again, that would mean that you’re safe, that would mean you didn’t suffer when you left. I rather it a million times than the thousand possibilities left.

 Heavy as iron shoes I hear it in the back of my mind “Did you die?” No, no, no, NO! Please don’t let it be true. Not without a proper goodbye. Not like this, lost in the unknown. I wish I could know; did you travel the starts to grown roses in asteroids? Do you think of me? 

This is a curse, a bloody curse! Every night I wake up from the nightmare of feeling you will never come back, afraid that one day I will forget everything about you. Your sad looking eyes, your half smile and the way you talk, the sound of your laughter and the scent in your coat. I don’t want to; it would be to be ripped off from you again. Am trapped in the warrens of my very own mind, searching and searching for answers to the lead questions I drag up the road. Did I let you down? Could I have done anything to prevent this? Could I have said something to change the whole path of destiny? Did you even care at all? Did I made you feel loved? Where you happy near me? 

Every single mistake is a dagger stabbing my heart constantly, if I had let you borrow my books would you still be here? If it had helped you write down your thoughts, would you have stayed? Will I ever know what happened to you? Did somebody hurt you? Did somebody took you away from us? Did you leave because you wanted to? Are you still suffering the thundering screams inside your mind? Will you ever come back? Should I start to dig holes in every inch of the earth trying to find your corpse? Would I lose my time because you’re not down there? Are you really gone for good? Was here any single thing that I could have done any better?

You know something, I won’t ever stop. Even if I have dug the entire earth, even if I have to dredge the ocean, I won’t stop searching for you until my dying day. Because you're missing and I have to find you.