To my missing friend
Who
suddenly vanished.
Here I lay, drowning under uncertainty. Where
have you gone? How have you been? “keep searching” whispers my mind in the
middle of the night “He might be out there” is unbearable, simply unbearable.
My thoughts are labyrinths of tangled memories and doubt. I hear your voice in
the dark calling for my help, but is it like that? It haunts me. My eyes get
filled with tears but I never get to cry.
Am drowning dear friend of mine, am
drowning! The horizon of fresh air is ahead, I swim up desperately but each
time I get dragged down into the darkness. Where? How? When? Dragging me down
over and over again. I have no means to find answers and yet stop searching for
you, admitting you’re gone for good is way more painful simply because “what
if?”. What if you’re really crying for my help? What if you are lost in your
own darkness too? What if you’re waiting for me to find you and I just give up?
I can’t, I can’t let you on your own knowing that something horrible could have
happened to you.
Uncertainty has me numbed and I reach my hand to find you in
the dark, I keep forgetting you’re no longer there. What if you’re still out
there waiting for my help? What if you desperately need to be found? I just
cannot let it go. Each and every day I
have to pick up pieces of me scattered on the floor, I lose a bit of myself each
time. I crumble, impotent and enraged, but always silent; am already tired of
yelling and yelling, calling your name to the infinite void. You’re were there,
right there in front of me and then a blink and you were gone. Do you feel
cold? Do you cry a lot? Do you feel lonely? Is it possible that you have
decided to simply leave us and live a new life? I wish it was that you left to
start all over again, that would mean that you’re safe, that would mean you didn’t
suffer when you left. I rather it a million times than the thousand possibilities left.
Heavy
as iron shoes I hear it in the back of my mind “Did you die?” No, no, no, NO! Please
don’t let it be true. Not without a proper goodbye. Not like this, lost in the
unknown. I wish I could know; did you travel the starts to grown roses in asteroids?
Do you think of me?
This is a curse, a bloody curse! Every night I wake up
from the nightmare of feeling you will never come back, afraid that one day I
will forget everything about you. Your sad looking eyes, your half smile and
the way you talk, the sound of your laughter and the scent in your coat. I don’t
want to; it would be to be ripped off from you again. Am trapped in the warrens
of my very own mind, searching and searching for answers to the lead questions
I drag up the road. Did I let you down? Could I have done anything to prevent
this? Could I have said something to change the whole path of destiny? Did you
even care at all? Did I made you feel loved? Where you happy near me?
Every single
mistake is a dagger stabbing my heart constantly, if I had let you borrow my
books would you still be here? If it had helped you write down your thoughts, would
you have stayed? Will I ever know what happened to you? Did somebody hurt you?
Did somebody took you away from us? Did you leave because you wanted to? Are
you still suffering the thundering screams inside your mind? Will you ever come
back? Should I start to dig holes in every inch of the earth trying to find
your corpse? Would I lose my time because you’re not down there? Are you really
gone for good? Was here any single thing that I could have done any better?
You know something, I won’t ever stop. Even if
I have dug the entire earth, even if I have to dredge the ocean, I won’t stop
searching for you until my dying day. Because you're missing and I have to find you.